Balancing Act

People that don't know me can't look at me and know I have stage iv lung cancer. On the outside I look perfectly healthy. There are mornings that I look at myself in the mirror and can't believe I have stage iv lung cancer. There are moments where I feel perfectly healthy.

Next week is my quarterly scan, blood work and follow up with my oncologist. This week is my quarterly freak out with scanxiety. This is the week I fight with my brain and body to think positive and feel good.

Like clockwork, just in time for my scan, I have issues that could be cancer related or it could just be nothing. It could be cancer progression or it could just be cancer treatment side effects. Or it could just be NOTHING.

In the past I've taken pride in myself for being forever optimistic. It's something that just comes natural. I don't have to force myself to think positive. It just happens. As an adult, anxiety and over-thinking hasn't been too much of an issue. That's until I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Now, at times, I find myself not sleeping enough. In those hours I should be sound asleep, I'm wondering and worrying about lung cancer and things that I have no control over.

At least I recognize there is a problem. So in the normal people, daytime hours, I keep myself busy. This is one of the reasons I'm so very thankful I'm able to work. While I'm at work and out delivering mail, I don't think about lung cancer or upcoming oncology appointments. I put on my uniform and I'm in what I call, "mailman mode". It also wasn't hard to keep my mind occupied when I entered the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. Fundraising, posting updates and planning has kept my mind occupied since my last scan at the end of October.

Last year I followed the contest online. I cheered on my fellow Colorado lung cancer survivors while it gave me hope for my future and for the possibility of entering the contest myself one day. This year I entered and I won! I was the third highest fundraiser. I'm going to go to Houston the week of Super Bowl to attend the Taste of the NFL.
Taste of the NFL, February 4, 2017,
Houston, TX
I take the good with the bad. It's a balancing act. This week the bad is simply manifested thoughts and cancer anxieties. The good is the anticipation of three wonderful, action packed, days in Houston with fun, food and the overall NFL experience. Who knows what next week will bring. Hopefully, a sigh of relief followed by three wonderful days in Houston.