Changes Coming This #LCAM

Lisa Moran with Dr. David Carbone
Shirt available at diecancerdie.org
White ribbon info thewhiteribbonproject.org

 November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month.

We have been monitoring lung cancer progression in my lungs for several months.

When I switched my treatment from the Dayton oncologist to Ohio State in August, 2022, my OSU oncologist seemed surprised that I wasn't having breathing issues after seeing the latest scan results. 

At that time, I hadn't noticed a difference. Since then, things have changed. I don't have a wheeze. It's a faint intermittent whine or squeal. I have been losing my breath easier. I'm OK sitting still. But with any walking, exertion, light lifting or even talking I have shortness of breath.

My oncologist and I discussed the latest biopsy and possible next steps in treatment. He was very upfront and frank. I appreciate this in a doctor. I just want the facts, no matter how much I don't want to face the reality. 

The information from the biopsy was good news to hear. We know the cancer is still non-small cell adenocarcinoma. It has not mutated to small cell, a more aggressive form of lung cancer.

 He reviewed the possible next steps for my treatment. Bottom line is, I'm running desperately low on treatment options.

I have to wait another week for complete results from the biopsy.  If a new targetable mutation is found, we will add a targeted therapy to my treatment plan. If not, my PDL-1 (a protien) level is high enough now to get positive results from immunotherapy.

I will likely start pembrolizumab. The brand name is Keytruda. I will have to quit my current targeted therapy, Tagrisso. The two treatments do great alone,  but don't jive well together.

Immunotherapy is an infusion once every 3 weeks. It does have minimal, tolerable and treatable side effects. I will need to decide if I will get a chest port. It makes infusions easier. The last time I did iv infusion treatment,  my veins became very problematic. I got a port. That was great for 14 months. Then the port got infected. Something I'd rather not experience again.

When I was diagnosed in 2015, immunotherapy for EGFR patients like me wasn't even an option. Now it's my best possibility.

There is a clinical trial for a different immunotherapy for EGFR+ lung cancer. Because of my damaged kidneys, I don't qualify for that trial. Although,  my kidneys and creatinine have improved and are the best they have been in two years, it's not

 enough for a clinical trial.

As an outlier and long term stage 4 lung cancer survivor, I've been aware, for years, of the lack of FDA approved treatments after progression on Tagrisso. I've been somewhat mentally preparing for this moment. The truth is, facing my reality and morbility is quite sobering.

 But hey! I'm still in the game. Instead of having three or four treatment options, I have two. I may be running out of treatment options but I will never run out of HOPE.

GO2 Foundation Virtual 5k Your Way 2020

June 20, 2020
Took Laynie on a #virtual5k today. #GO2SummerJam2020 #beatlungcancer #lcsm
#GO2Foundation #lungcancersurvivor #stage4lungcancer

Starting Over, Catching up and Silver Linings

I'm back in the blog game. 

I didn't mean to take such a long break.  

I had plans for a major change to my blog layout and design for my return.  Instead of a major overhaul, I ended up making some subtle changes.  I'm guessing it looks the same to you.  It pretty much looks the same to me too.

To be honest about the break, I was mentally exhausted and needed a blog break after working on my Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge fundraising campaign from January, 2019 until February 2020.  I was all in from November 1, 2019 until Super Bowl Sunday, February 2, 2020 and a then some after that.

I raised a grand total of $13,100. 

Team Draft and I were scheduled to present the $11,790.00 BIG CHECK to Lung Cancer Colorado Fund at the end of March.  We had to cancel the in-person presentation due to Coronavirus and the risks of exposure, restrictions and need for social distancing.

One year on my own.

I still don't feel comfortable going into details on my blog, another reason for the break.  It's time to, at least, let everyone know, I am single and have been for just over one year, officially.  The beginning of May, 2020 marked one year since removing myself from a very toxic relationship, situations and removing my ex from my home and life.  Breakups are crappy.  This one was, no doubt in my mind, The best change I could have made for me and Laynie and at the best time.  It gave me a renewed joy and a sense of freedom to be me, stroke deficits, cancer and all.  It also allowed me to make strides in my stroke recovery.  There was no more holding me back.  I made more improvements in my first couple months without my ex than I did in the whole year and a half after my stroke.  

Quarantine has been treating me well.

Instead of commenting here about the positives that have come to me in self-isolation, I wrote them in a lungcancer.net article, Self Isolation Silver Linings.  

Click HERE

or 

Self-Isolation Silver Linings

to read all the great things that have happened.

Illistration from lungcancer.net Self-Isolation Silver Linings

I'm a poet.

Another cool thing to come out of quarantine was the opportunity to participate in a Writing with Cancer Workshop offered by University of Colorado Cancer Center.  The above article was written before I participated in my first writing session.  Until Coronavirus, these were in-person, in Denver only, sessions.  They are now offering an every other week workshop via Zoom.  From two sessions, I've written three poems.  I will be sharing all of them with you soon.

A beautiful journal that was gifted to me.

My first poem

Three Interviews and a Fundraiser

I've had several recent opportunities to share my lung cancer story and to advocate for more research funding.  It just happened that these three interviews were released so close together that I am sharing all with you in one post.

Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge

I took the challenge this year.  I've been fundraising for Lung Cancer Colorado Fund to support the groundbreaking lung cancer research and treatment developments at the University of Colorado Lung Cancer program.  I earned the chance to go to the Pro Bowl to experience the events while I share my lung cancer story and advocate for awareness and lung cancer research funding.  Click HERE or the Pro Bowl logo to see a Team Draft video about my fundraiser.

 

You can help me reach my $50,000 fundraising goal .  Click HERE or the donate button to submit a tax deductible donation today. Donations can be made through Super Bowl Sunday, February 2, 2020. 

            

Living Lives with Lung Cancer website interview

LLwLC is a website focusing on lung cancer patients and survivors living and thriving in spite of their diagnosis.  I'm lucky enough to be one of the first to be interviewed.  I can't wait to see and read upcoming inspirational stories from fellow lung cancer patients. Click HERE or the zipline photo collage to read my interview.

https://livingliveswithlungcancer.com/meet-lisa-peace-lungs-happiness/

Cincinnati radio/podcast interview

Melissa and I recorded this interview in November 2019.  I think it was originally an hour and ten or twenty minutes long.  The Medical Apocalypse doesn't really have a Cliff's Notes version.  Melissa did a wonderful job editing that down for the show.  you can hear the interview HERE or click this video.

2020 Lung Cancer Survivor Super Bowl Challenge Kickoff

Because of everyone's generosity, I raised $374 for my challenge.

I kicked off my 2020 Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl challenge fundraising campaign at the Cleveland vs Broncos game in Denver on Sunday, November 3, 2019.

It was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining, I got to introduce myself, share my lung cancer story, information about lung cancer Awareness Month and my participation in this year's Super Bowl Challenge.  So many tailgaters were more than generous with their time and money.  Browns fans and Broncos fans as well.  It goes to show, no matter which team we root for, we all agree that lung cancer (or any cancer)sucks.
More photos of #CLEvsDEN tailgating HERE.

I have until December 30, 2019 to reach my $50,000 fundraising goal.  Please donate HERE.  No amount is too small.  Every dollar counts, even when you make a minimum donation.

Here WEGO

I started blogging about my experiences of being diagnosed and living with terminal stage IV lung cancer in 2016, approximately six months after my diagnosis.  I continued to blog as I was diagnosed in 2017 with Moyamoya, an incurable ultra rare brain disease, and after my hemorrhagic stroke.

The stroke was my third major life threatening incident in just over two years.  Somebody referred to my multiple diagnoses, struggles and deficits as a "medical apocalypse".  That term was more than accurate. I amended the name of my Peace Lungs and Happiness blog in 2018 to it's current title, Peace Lungs and Happiness: Anatomy of a Medical Apocalypse.

After three years of blogging, I am a nominee for the 2019 Best in Show Blog at the WEGO Health Awards.  It's an honor to be among my fellow nominees for this award.

About the WEGO Awards:

The WEGO Health Awards program was created to recognize and honor those making a difference in the online health community. It provides the opportunity for community members to thank and support the Patient Leaders and patient-centric initiatives they admire. Since its inception in 2011, the WEGO Health Awards have proven to be one of the best ways to connect the healthcare industry with top patient influencers. It is the only awards program that recognizes Patient Leaders across all condition areas and platforms, with over 4,000 nominations in 2018 alone!

I need your endorsement.

Winning this award will bring opportunities for me to present my story to others, promote patient advocacy and to share my patient expertise on patient panels, roundtables and at conferences while working with lung cancer, neurology and brain injury industry leaders.

At the end of July, the top three endorsed nominees in my category become automatic finalists for the award.

Please click HERE or go to https://awards.wegohealth.com/nominees/15977 to view my WEGO Patient Leader Profile.  From there you can endorse my nomination by clicking the Endorse Lisa Moran button under my profile pic.

Lisa Moran's Patient Leader Profile on the WEGO website

Rollercoasters

Life with lung cancer is a rollercoaster.  But for me,  I've been on two or more different rides at the same time since my first major medical diagnosis of stage IV lung cancer in 2015.  With so much going on at once, I seemed to have tended to one ride while another ride was taking over my life, health and emotions.  And this all was happening without me recognizing that anxieties and depression had engulfed my thoughts, my physical being and my normally positive outlook on life.

I knew to keep my head on a swivel at construction job sites and while I delivered mail, working around traffic.  It recently came to light that I need to keep my head on a swivel in my medical life as well as my personal and  mental health lives as well.

HERE  is my latest article, Rollercoasters,  for lungcancer.netwww.lungcancer.net.

Click picture for article.

I'm Winning the Fight

My latest article for lungcancer.net was written while the outcome of a late stage lung cancer diagnosis hit too close to home.

Over a span of just a few days, we lost two important people in our lives to lung cancer.  My boyfriend lost his aunt that treated him more like a son than a nephew and I lost one of my closest friends and lung cancer confidantes.

When someone dies of cancer the horrible cliche,  "lost their battle", is often used.  As these women were transitioning to hospice care and the afterworld, the only thing they were losing was their life on earth.  They won the battle.  With that,  they won the war.

Click the article photo below to read my latest article, "Beating Incurable Terminal Stage IV Lung Cancer". 

It's We, Not Me

After a lung cancer diagnosis you run into the question,  Is there anything you wish you knew before your diagnosis that you know now? My answers have changed over the years.  Today, my answer is,  I wish I knew how much burden the diagnosis would put on my relationship with my boyfriend.

Lately,  the biggest challenge has been dealing with the ongoing changes and troubles in our relationship after three and a half years of incurable,  terminal,  lung cancer and a hemorrhagic stroke.

 You would think life would get easier and we should be able to ride the wave by now.  For us,  as soon as we think we've got things under control, it only gets harder.  Our basic relationship dynamic is constantly under stress.

Click HERE or the illistration for my latest article in Lungcancer.net.

The article touches on some of what we are dealing with. We have to learn to adapt, rest, recharge and live with lung cancer and all the added crap that life has handed us.

Skipping out on Life

So many things change and so many variables are factored into a lung cancer diagnosis and trying to find your "new normal".

Sometimes the new normal is the same as life was before lung cancer.

I wrote about this in my newest article
for Lungcancer.net, Skipping Out on Life?

The night I put a flower in my hair, a smile on my face and said, Fuck cancer.

Hanging in There and My first Published Article

December 19, 2018:
Today's a great day with positives all around.

I received a great report from my oncologist.  My lung cancer is stable and my CEA/biomarker is within normal range and the lowest it's ever been.  My next set of tests will be in three months to monitor for possible cancer progression.  Hopefully there will be no change in the next three months.

My first article was published at Lungcancer.net today.  Click on the link or photo below to read it. 
https://lungcancer.net/living/hanging-in-there/

What's in a Date?

August is a very momentous time for me. August 11, 2015 was the date I found out I have adenocarcinoma, non small cell lung cancer. Then I found out it was inoperable and incurable on August 14, 2015. This is the date I use as my Cancerversary date. Cancerversary~ the anniversary date of my lung cancer diagnosis.

Monday is my 2 Year Cancerversary. I really never thought I would still be alive today. The odds are against me, but I'm beating those odds every day, every hour.

I don't have too many not so amazing things to share over the last year. But the one thing is a fairly major concern. I was NED ( no evidence of disease) for approximayely 6 months. In October 2016 we started monitoring tumor growth activity in my upper right lung lobe. I had two blood biopsies to see if my cancer had developed a new mutation that is resistant to my current treatment. No information came back from the blood biopsies. I had a needle biopsy in May 2017. The biopsy was unable to collect a good sample and my lung clasped. A clasped lung equals my first overnight hospital stay.

I had radiation to this new tumor and I'm continuing with my current chemo pill/targeted therapy. Now we'll monitor this activity and see if the radiation did it's job.

One thing I must mention. We have lost many prominent people and advocates in the lung cancer online/social media community over the last year. These are people, putting themselves out there to educate, support and change the face of lung cancer. Every new death is a hard blow. They are missed terribly. I will continue advocating in their memory for much needed research to manage and end this terrible disease.

So many amazing things have happened to me since August 2016. These are just some highlights.

• I have my own beer! I was able to attend the keg tapping party in Dayton, OH for Lisa's Luck Amber Ale.
  
• I worked with the American Lung Association and participated in an award winning video to educate and spread  information about the importance of tumor testing.

• I shared my story at the Denver Lung Force Walk.
  
• I checked an item off my bucket list. I sewed my own dress and entered myself in a pinup contest. I was the first runner up and won prizes.
  
  

• I ran the Run the Rocks 5k and turned 46 in the same week.
  
• I participated in a Lilly Pharmaceutical advisory board and got to meet my lung cancer bff.
  

  
• I entered the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge...and I won a trip to Houston the week of Super Bowl and attended the Taste of the NFL.
  
• Thanks to Do It For The Love, I attended a Social Distortion concert in Denver, was given the VIP treatment and got to meet the band.
  
• Because I was a first time attendee, I was granted a full travel scholarship to Washington, D.C. to attend the Lungevity Hope Summit.

I can't wait to see what comes to me between now and August 2018. With your help I may be able to add Lungevity Hope Summit 2018 to next year's list. Please help me celebrate surviving another year with stage iv lung cancer and make a donation. If I reach my fundraising goal, I can qualify for a full travel scholarship, attend the summit and spend time with my long distance lung cancer friends.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE

If No One Fights Alone, Why Do I Feel So Lonely?

I've wanted to make this blog entry for some time. It's been a working title for weeks. I've been searching for the correct wording and message to convey my feelings without making it sound like a pity party or a guilt trip.

Then this week someone did it for me. I read Linnea Olson's latest blog and it said just about everything I've wanted to say and more.

It’s a jungle out here

Posted on June 12, 2017

Pretend for a moment that one hundred people are standing in front of you. The only thing you know about them is that they all have lung cancer. One at a time, each person approaches you and then shares some intimate detail about their lives. Sometimes you sense that you have much in common with the speaker, sometimes little. In each case you get an overwhelming sense of their humanity.

You are thinking about how you would like to get to know some of them better when I drop a bombshell: only eighteen of these people will be alive in five years.

It shocks you but I assure you I have not told you this merely for dramatic effect; statistically speaking, this is an actual scenario. The five year overall survival statistics for all stages of lung cancer cancer are only 18%. At stage IV, that number drops to 2%, or just two individuals out of one hundred.

Statistics only tell part of the story because numbers are not nearly as compelling as living, breathing human beings.

Now imagine what it’s like to be one of those hundred; that you too have been diagnosed with lung cancer; that you too will fall somewhere along this statistical curve.

It is a terrifying feeling, and isolating as well–as many of us feel that friends and family can’t really comprehend the sometimes debilitating anxiety that is part and parcel of our diagnosis.

We often combat that feeling of isolation by connecting with others people living with lung cancer–through support groups, social media, summits, or advocacy work. However, this network can become a double edged sword, as we are now invested in each other’s outcomes. When one of us passes away, a collective shiver runs through the entire community. We grieve, we rage, but we also rightly wonder if we might be next.

Over time, it becomes a trauma–this mix of fear and sadness. And for those whose cancer is considered incurable–and in the case of lung cancer, that would be most of us–there is no post to our traumatic stress. It is ongoing, or OTSD.

We focus on staying alive even as we worry–constantly–about dying. And, because we often don’t look as if we are ill, it is very, very difficult for those around us to fathom what it’s like to live on borrowed time.

Can you plan a vacation six months from now? Is it worth spending the money to get your dental work done? Will you be there when your kids graduate from high school?

As a society there is a great deal of emphasis on planning for the future. When you are living with cancer, it often feels as if the future has nothing to do with you.

I’ve now been living with the idea of dying for over twelve years–more than 20% of my time on earth. How do I do it? One day, one moment, one person at a time.

xo dedicated to all we’ve loved and lost–far too young, far too many

It's not easy living in the 2%. But I'm still living. It's tough being so far away from most of my friends and family. I recently participated in a lung cancer walk. I was a speaker and shared my story at the event. If my mom and sister wouldn't have come from out of state, it would have been me and Jeremy, team of two.

At times it feels like it's just me and Jeremy against the world, against lung cancer and against the clock. More often than not, lately, it's me against him and him against me. We butt heads over the tiniest of things.  In the past we've recognized this behavior and realized it wasn't us. It's the stresses of lung cancer on our relationship. So for those periods of time, it's just me against everything I have and everything I don't have control over.

The next time you see me begging for your support for an upcoming event and we live in the same town, it's not all about the money and donations. It's about needing time together and your presence in my life, how ever long that may be.

A Clinical Study and a Collapsed Lung

Twenty-one days ago I participated in a clinical study. At one point I thought a clinical study and/or trial meant you are a guinea pig and even though you were seriously or terminally ill you got the placebo (sugar pill) or the trial drug that may or may not work. That's not the case. There are many different types and stages of clinical trials.

To learn more about clinical studies, CLICK HERE.

The study I took part in was to improve blood biopsies. There was no medication to take or multiple trips to the doctor to be examined or monitored. I simply had to agree to submit some vials of blood.

Twenty-one days ago I remembered what it was like to have to go through a surgical biopsy. For me, that was traumatic (my first surgery) and painful with a three week recovery. I submitted a few vials of blood to improve a non-invasive procedure to diagnose lung cancer. I was all for that.

If you thought I was on board twenty-one days ago, I am now the head engineer on that train that can't go fast enough. This week I was scheduled for an outpatient lung biopsy procedure. In and out, they send the tissue to pathology for diagnosis and we know what we are dealing with. It's a common procedure, but there are certain risks that are discussed before you start. One of those risks, ever so slight, is a collapsed lung. For the biopsy procedure they are putting a needle into your lung to capture tissue. In a sense, they are puncturing your lung. In most cases, after the procedure, the lung closes on its own and heals up at the puncture site. Not in my case. My lung collapsed.

Lisa at University of Colorado Hospital with DC, her #hopebot

I was admitted into the hospital and had to have a chest tube put in place to help "re-inflate" my lung. Although, not as traumatic as my first surgery, it was my first overnight hospital stay, EVER! 

I can't wait for the day when a lung cancer biopsy will be a simple office visit and a blood draw only.

Please note: these are descriptions of my medical experiences, how I understand them, in my laymen's terms. The procedures mentioned and defined may not be 100% medically accurate/correct or my doctors words. Thank you.

What is HOPE?

I was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer in August 2015. I didn't register for the 2016 LUNGevity Hope Summit. At the time, I was just getting used to life with lung cancer. I followed the social media posts and photos. It looked like a good time was had by all. It gave me hope and inspiration. I got to attend and be in the photos this year.

Hope Summit features inspirational speakers, medical expert forums, lung cancer survivor-specific sessions, and opportunities for lung cancer survivors to connect with other survivors and share their stories. Their stories of hope. Hope Summit is appropriately named because that's what this last weekend delivered. I'm at a new step in my treatment plan. You would think being immersed in three full days of lung cancer talk would be depressing and make me worry about these next steps. It was just the opposite.

As a first time attendee, I applied for and was granted airfare and hotel stay to attend this year's Lungevity Hope Summit in Washington DC . Lungevity provides this so all lung cancer patients have an opportunity to participate in this event.

I also attended an advocate day, which was on the eve of the Hope Summit kick off. I was interested in finding out information on advocacy and how to be more involved, if possible.

On Thursday evening I went out to dinner with a fairly large group of lung cancer patients and survivors. This was one of my favorite moments of my trip. I find it interesting that 17 people, with 17 different backgrounds, 17 different lung cancer stories and probably 17 different combined lung cancer treatments and/or drugs and we instantly bond with one another. Some have had it rough and some have been to hell and back. Some have been dealing with this for months and others for 12+ years. But having lung cancer is our common ground. I heard a good comparison once. Someone was taking about skiing. He said the downhill skier going 70+mph has the same adrenaline rush as the beginning skier, even when they aren't going the same speeds. I'm guessing the 17 of us have the same hatred for lung cancer.

Having time with other lung cancer patients and survivors was my best part of going to Hope Summit. It gave me the opportunity to thank two of them, in particular, in person.

I was at the top of my physical fitness game when I was diagnosed. One of my first fears was the possibility of never running again or working out like I used to. But I watched videos of Juanita power lifting and doing what she loved and what she did before lung cancer. That gave me hope.

The other was Patty. I would see her online, participating in events with Team Draft. Her smile and attitude would shine in the photos and videos.

I knew I wanted to be a part of that. It gave me hope that one day I would. And I did! Down to the wire, Patty was my biggest competition during the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. If anyone was going to raise more funds than me and knock me out of the running, I wanted it to be Patty.

Several weeks ago this question came up. What is hope? Without thinking too hard about it, this acronym came to mind.

Hope

is

Having Optimistic Perspectives Everyday.

You Take the Good with the Better Than Bad

I had a pet scan and an appointment with my oncologist this week. The pet scan showed what appears to be more evidence of progression at my primary lung tumor spot in my upper right lobe. We've been monitoring this since October 2016.

Lisa Moran, April 19, 2017

The next steps will be two biopsies. Blood work has already been sent to Guardant for a liquid biopsy. Hopefully, something will show up on this test. It's my second Guardant biopsy. The first didn't show anything, not even my EGFR gene mutation. I will also do a needle tissue biopsy.

With the biopsies, we are looking for any newly acquired lung cancer mutations and we need to confirm it is lung cancer progression instead of delayed radiation scarring. If it's cancer, I will be adding radiation to my treatment plan.

The scarring is a possibility. But my blood work numbers have continued to increase, a sign of progression. Plus, my radiation oncologist office called to schedule my radiation consultation. If you ask me, that's kind of putting the cart before the horse to schedule a treatment consult before my biopsy.

My oncologist said this is a good report. My targeted therapy, chemo pill, is still working throughout my body. There are no new nodules or tumors. There is only this one location of possible progression. Radiation treatments should take care of it.

Several people have referred to this as a bump in the road. It feels more like a detour. Either way, I'll be able to get back on track.

What can make a setback appointment a little more acceptable? A visit to an art exhibit to see paintings and drawings from Monet, Renoir, Picasso, Degas, Matisse and others. Masterworks is currently on display, for free, on campus at my cancer center. I'm thankful for the opportunity to see these works of art in person.

One other good thing happened at my appointment. I was presented an opportunity to participate in a clinical research trial. I submitted blood samples to help research and improve the future of liquid biopsies. Hopefully, one day, because of my participation in this trial, invasive, surgical biopsies could be a thing of the past.

Facing My Own Mortality

I participate in online lung cancer support groups. It seems like there is a daily post from a caregiver or family member regarding their loved one's lung cancer death. Hearing these stories makes me sad for those families. It also makes me angry. I HATE lung cancer. But after hearing and processing the horrible news of another life lost, my thoughts go elsewhere. I know every lung cancer is different. I think to myself, that's not me, that's not my cancer. I'm so lucky to be as well as I am.

This last week there was a death that hit me hard. It took my thoughts to places they haven't gone. It wasn't a lung cancer death. It was the untimely death of a former co-worker. He was a passenger in a Jeep Cherokee that missed a turn on a mountain road and went down a ravine. Two of the five people in the vehicle died.

It's so unfair. Jacob was a young, smart, healthy, fun loving prankster with his whole life ahead of him. Why is he gone and I'm still here? I have stage iv lung cancer. Shouldn't I, the one with the terminal illness, be gone and Jacob should be here living out his life and carrying out his practical jokes?

I have heard of survivor's guilt. I thought I experienced it. Well, whatever I felt while reading news of a lung cancer death was nothing compared to the feelings that have come up since Jacob's death. I know it sounds strange to experience survivor's guilt in this situation. I wasn't in the accident. He didn't have lung cancer.

I was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer in August 2015. To tell you the truth, I've thought of my impending death. It's inevitable that one day lung cancer will take my life. I came to terms with that early on. What is difficult to process is the new thoughts of, why am I still here? I have never questioned that. My thoughts, until now, have always been along the lines of, "how lucky am I to be here", not, "why aren't I dead yet?"

I'm a genuinely happy person. My blog is Peace Lungs & HAPPINESS. Can I get back to my happy go lucky self again? I've heard the saying, you can't unsee something. Can I unthink these dark thoughts? Will I always doubt my current existence on this earth? They also say, time heals all wounds. I hope that in time I can get back to appreciating and enjoying every moment of the rest of my life without questioning it.

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life...

Yesterday was a bittersweet day. Lung cancer has a lot of ups and downs.

Elizabeth Dessureault lost her life to lung cancer yesterday.

Elizabeth Dessureault, wife, mother, lung cancer advocate and fighter

She was so young and vibrant. It's just not fair. She was very positive through all her ups and downs. She raised lung cancer awareness and spirits with her attitude and just breathe bracelets.

I have a From Lizzie's Lungs bracelet. It was a gift from another lung cancer survivor, Nicole Russell. Nicole's 1 year cancerversary was yesterday. A cancerversary is the one year anniversary of one's lung cancer diagnosis. She is beating the odds, changing the face of lung cancer and surviving stage iv lung cancer for over one year. Congratulations Nicole. I love you and want to thank you for your friendship and support on this roller coaster called lung cancer.

Party With a Purpose

Eighteen years ago, in 1999, I wanted to start my own business. I dreamed of being a party/event planner. But I also wanted to work in the non profit sector. I came up with an idea of planning parties for fundraising events. An example would be a birthday party. It's your birthday. Instead of having a party and receiving gifts, you ask your guests to make a donation to the charity of your choice. I even named my business, Party With a Purpose. But I had just moved to a new state. I was not familiar with the town and vendors that I would need to collaborate with to plan successful events. Party With a Purpose never came to life.

Fast forward to 2017. I won a trip to the Taste of the NFL in Houston, TX. The Taste of the NFL rallies the country's top chefs and the NFL's greatest players to raise money in support of food banks throughout the United States.  They raise funds online, Taste of the NFL events hosted by individual NFL teams and the Super Bowl Taste of the NFL -The Party With a Purpose®.

Yes, Party With a Purpose!!!!! Something that I dreamed of so long ago is real. And I got to be a part of it. I want to thank Team Draft and the Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge for the opportunity to be a part of this year's Party With a Purpose.

I got choked up in my video because of the special meaning behind Party With a Purpose.

Balancing Act

People that don't know me can't look at me and know I have stage iv lung cancer. On the outside I look perfectly healthy. There are mornings that I look at myself in the mirror and can't believe I have stage iv lung cancer. There are moments where I feel perfectly healthy.

Next week is my quarterly scan, blood work and follow up with my oncologist. This week is my quarterly freak out with scanxiety. This is the week I fight with my brain and body to think positive and feel good.

Like clockwork, just in time for my scan, I have issues that could be cancer related or it could just be nothing. It could be cancer progression or it could just be cancer treatment side effects. Or it could just be NOTHING.

In the past I've taken pride in myself for being forever optimistic. It's something that just comes natural. I don't have to force myself to think positive. It just happens. As an adult, anxiety and over-thinking hasn't been too much of an issue. That's until I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Now, at times, I find myself not sleeping enough. In those hours I should be sound asleep, I'm wondering and worrying about lung cancer and things that I have no control over.

At least I recognize there is a problem. So in the normal people, daytime hours, I keep myself busy. This is one of the reasons I'm so very thankful I'm able to work. While I'm at work and out delivering mail, I don't think about lung cancer or upcoming oncology appointments. I put on my uniform and I'm in what I call, "mailman mode". It also wasn't hard to keep my mind occupied when I entered the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. Fundraising, posting updates and planning has kept my mind occupied since my last scan at the end of October.

Last year I followed the contest online. I cheered on my fellow Colorado lung cancer survivors while it gave me hope for my future and for the possibility of entering the contest myself one day. This year I entered and I won! I was the third highest fundraiser. I'm going to go to Houston the week of Super Bowl to attend the Taste of the NFL.

Taste of the NFL, February 4, 2017,
Houston, TX

I take the good with the bad. It's a balancing act. This week the bad is simply manifested thoughts and cancer anxieties. The good is the anticipation of three wonderful, action packed, days in Houston with fun, food and the overall NFL experience. Who knows what next week will bring. Hopefully, a sigh of relief followed by three wonderful days in Houston.