Starting Over, Catching up and Silver Linings

I'm back in the blog game. 

I didn't mean to take such a long break.  

I had plans for a major change to my blog layout and design for my return.  Instead of a major overhaul, I ended up making some subtle changes.  I'm guessing it looks the same to you.  It pretty much looks the same to me too.

To be honest about the break, I was mentally exhausted and needed a blog break after working on my Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge fundraising campaign from January, 2019 until February 2020.  I was all in from November 1, 2019 until Super Bowl Sunday, February 2, 2020 and a then some after that.

I raised a grand total of $13,100. 

Team Draft and I were scheduled to present the $11,790.00 BIG CHECK to Lung Cancer Colorado Fund at the end of March.  We had to cancel the in-person presentation due to Coronavirus and the risks of exposure, restrictions and need for social distancing.

One year on my own.

I still don't feel comfortable going into details on my blog, another reason for the break.  It's time to, at least, let everyone know, I am single and have been for just over one year, officially.  The beginning of May, 2020 marked one year since removing myself from a very toxic relationship, situations and removing my ex from my home and life.  Breakups are crappy.  This one was, no doubt in my mind, The best change I could have made for me and Laynie and at the best time.  It gave me a renewed joy and a sense of freedom to be me, stroke deficits, cancer and all.  It also allowed me to make strides in my stroke recovery.  There was no more holding me back.  I made more improvements in my first couple months without my ex than I did in the whole year and a half after my stroke.  

Quarantine has been treating me well.

Instead of commenting here about the positives that have come to me in self-isolation, I wrote them in a lungcancer.net article, Self Isolation Silver Linings.  

Click HERE

or 

Self-Isolation Silver Linings

to read all the great things that have happened.

Illistration from lungcancer.net Self-Isolation Silver Linings

I'm a poet.

Another cool thing to come out of quarantine was the opportunity to participate in a Writing with Cancer Workshop offered by University of Colorado Cancer Center.  The above article was written before I participated in my first writing session.  Until Coronavirus, these were in-person, in Denver only, sessions.  They are now offering an every other week workshop via Zoom.  From two sessions, I've written three poems.  I will be sharing all of them with you soon.

A beautiful journal that was gifted to me.

My first poem

Three Interviews and a Fundraiser

I've had several recent opportunities to share my lung cancer story and to advocate for more research funding.  It just happened that these three interviews were released so close together that I am sharing all with you in one post.

Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge

I took the challenge this year.  I've been fundraising for Lung Cancer Colorado Fund to support the groundbreaking lung cancer research and treatment developments at the University of Colorado Lung Cancer program.  I earned the chance to go to the Pro Bowl to experience the events while I share my lung cancer story and advocate for awareness and lung cancer research funding.  Click HERE or the Pro Bowl logo to see a Team Draft video about my fundraiser.

 

You can help me reach my $50,000 fundraising goal .  Click HERE or the donate button to submit a tax deductible donation today. Donations can be made through Super Bowl Sunday, February 2, 2020. 

            

Living Lives with Lung Cancer website interview

LLwLC is a website focusing on lung cancer patients and survivors living and thriving in spite of their diagnosis.  I'm lucky enough to be one of the first to be interviewed.  I can't wait to see and read upcoming inspirational stories from fellow lung cancer patients. Click HERE or the zipline photo collage to read my interview.

https://livingliveswithlungcancer.com/meet-lisa-peace-lungs-happiness/

Cincinnati radio/podcast interview

Melissa and I recorded this interview in November 2019.  I think it was originally an hour and ten or twenty minutes long.  The Medical Apocalypse doesn't really have a Cliff's Notes version.  Melissa did a wonderful job editing that down for the show.  you can hear the interview HERE or click this video.

Meaningful Football

Meaningful football to me this week:It's the Cleveland Browns playing a do or die game in Denver.  It means, possibly turning this season around in Week 9, although, a bit late in the season. It means, beating a top rival, again, at Mile High. It means bonding with my Browns football family while tailgating like we are in the Muni lot and watching the Browns in person instead of on TV.

It also means It's Lung Cancer Awareness Month, the kickoff of the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge.  I'm anxiously waiting the details of this year's challenge because I have set a $50,000 fundraising goal.  I'm super excited to get started!  Yes, fifty thousand dollars.  Top challenge participants have set the bar high.  It's time for me to join their ranks.  I'll share the details in a future post. 

Meaningful football 2015/2016 Season:The NFL preseason was underway in August 2015.  It was the dawn of a new era for the Browns. My football family and I were reunited after a long summer without football to watch games and cheer the Browns through another season.  Like many years before and every season after, we had hope, we believed.

I was diagnosed with stage IV, non small cell lung cancer during preseason on August 14, 2015.  At that point it was, by far, the most devastating, emotionally draining and excruciatingly difficult time of my life.  But what did I do the night before finding out the stage of my lung cancer and what my prognosis and treatment plan would be? I attended a Browns preseason game with the Pikes Peak Browns Backers in Colorado Springs, CO.

Meaningful football since lung cancer:

Dec 9, 2018

All football is meaningful to me since my lung cancer diagnosis. Even in the losing seasons, I am grateful for football and my Browns Backers family.  The Browns and the Pikes Peak Browns Backers have been with me since day one of my lung cancer diagnosis.  They have provided me with the support, needed distractions and events to keep my mind off of everything involved in a lung cancer diagnosis and fight.

I had a lot of fatigue, some pretty uncomfortable and painful side effects when I started my first line of lung cancer treatment.  I had times I was scared to leave the house. But I would get up, get dressed, in orange and brown, and still go to watch the Browns play with my local Browns Backers club.  That's how important the Browns are to me. That's meaningful football.

Tackling lung cancer, Dec 9, 2018

Meaningful football NFL Week 14, Dec 9, 2018:

It was a chance to go to Cleveland and an opportunity to attend the Panthers vs. Browns game with Team Draft. I live in Colorado.  Before December 9, 2018, I had only been to one Cleveland Browns home game.

A brief uncle and niece Dawg Pound reunion, Dec 9, 2018

That weekend was amazing.  Not only did I get to personally witness the Browns win at home, it was the 1 year anniversary of surviving a hemorrhagic stroke.  I got tears in my eyes when I was in the stadium and watched the Browns take the field that day. I get emotional today thinking about that moment.  I was alive. I was standing. I was walking. I made it through the toughest year of my life. Not only did I survive the stroke and make miraculous improvements in my recovery over the year, I did it all with late stage,  stage iv, terminal, lung cancer.

Please donate to the 2020 Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge

Thanks and Giving

I have so much to be thankful for.

I can't possibly start to list them all. I'm scared I would forget someone. The obvious ones:

• I'm thankful for the power of prayer and positive thinking.

• I'm thankful for modern medicine.
• Lung cancer treatments have kept me alive with a quality of life that is allowing me to be brave enough and my body strong enough to tackle this new brain disease battle.

• I'm thankful for my continued life.
• I was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer in August 2015. I was recently diagnosed with an ultra rare progressive brain disease.  But we know from researching my cancer brain scans, I've been living with this for over 2 years.  It's even possible I was born with this disease.  We may never know the cause or the time it developed.

• I'm thankful for the love and support from my family and friends, near and far.
• I'm also thankful for the friends that are more like family to me.
• I only know some of these people from being online.  I know I must have met a few of these distant relatives when I was a child and when I was younger. I'm thankful we found each other and are able to stay in touch thanks to Facebook.

• I'm thankful for the kindness of strangers.
• This comes from many places.  It overwhelms me at times to think about the individuals, foundations and organizations that come together to support me, my fundraising, my wellness and my quality of life.

It's the giving season.

Please consider making a donation this Giving Tuesday.

I can't thank the people that have already donated to help me get through my trip to California and recovery from my upcoming brain surgery.  All our savings has been spent on my lung cancer battle.  There is no savings and very limited paid time off work to get us through the next 10-12 weeks.

A Go Fund Me account has been set up to help collect needed funds to get me through this difficult time.  To make a donation to my Go Fun Me account, click the DONATE button.

Lisa Moran Battles Brain Disease

If you prefer to make a Tax Deductible donation this Giving Tuesday, please consider donating to these charities that are near and dear to me.

• Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge 2018
• This will benefit the Chris Draft Family Foundation/Team Draft
• If over $1000 is donated to my campaign, 50% of the donations will benefit the Lung Cancer Colorado Fund.
• Angel Flight West
• This organization is helping me arrange a free flight to California for my brain bypass surgery.
• Stanford Neurosurgery Department
• You can specify your donation be given to my surgeon, Dr. Gary Steinberg or to the Moyamoya Center to help in discovering the cause of this terrible disease and develop new treatments.
• LifeSpark Cancer Resources 

This organization has provided me with free reiki and healing touch sessions that's relieved me from physical pain and stress.

Now, on to my Thanksgiving Traditions.

As I'm posting this blog entry, I'm watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. To attend in person is a bucket list item of mine.  I have the mac n cheese in the crockpot. Some of you know my "secret ingredient".  Since moving to Colorado, Thanksgiving weekend 1999, it seems more traditional to have Thanksgiving dinner with friends than family.  Jeremy and I will be joining friends for dinner today. For those of you that have opened your homes and set a place at your thanksgiving table for me,

THANK YOU!  

What's in a Date?

August is a very momentous time for me. August 11, 2015 was the date I found out I have adenocarcinoma, non small cell lung cancer. Then I found out it was inoperable and incurable on August 14, 2015. This is the date I use as my Cancerversary date. Cancerversary~ the anniversary date of my lung cancer diagnosis.

Monday is my 2 Year Cancerversary. I really never thought I would still be alive today. The odds are against me, but I'm beating those odds every day, every hour.

I don't have too many not so amazing things to share over the last year. But the one thing is a fairly major concern. I was NED ( no evidence of disease) for approximayely 6 months. In October 2016 we started monitoring tumor growth activity in my upper right lung lobe. I had two blood biopsies to see if my cancer had developed a new mutation that is resistant to my current treatment. No information came back from the blood biopsies. I had a needle biopsy in May 2017. The biopsy was unable to collect a good sample and my lung clasped. A clasped lung equals my first overnight hospital stay.

I had radiation to this new tumor and I'm continuing with my current chemo pill/targeted therapy. Now we'll monitor this activity and see if the radiation did it's job.

One thing I must mention. We have lost many prominent people and advocates in the lung cancer online/social media community over the last year. These are people, putting themselves out there to educate, support and change the face of lung cancer. Every new death is a hard blow. They are missed terribly. I will continue advocating in their memory for much needed research to manage and end this terrible disease.

So many amazing things have happened to me since August 2016. These are just some highlights.

• I have my own beer! I was able to attend the keg tapping party in Dayton, OH for Lisa's Luck Amber Ale.
  
• I worked with the American Lung Association and participated in an award winning video to educate and spread  information about the importance of tumor testing.

• I shared my story at the Denver Lung Force Walk.
  
• I checked an item off my bucket list. I sewed my own dress and entered myself in a pinup contest. I was the first runner up and won prizes.
  
  

• I ran the Run the Rocks 5k and turned 46 in the same week.
  
• I participated in a Lilly Pharmaceutical advisory board and got to meet my lung cancer bff.
  

  
• I entered the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge...and I won a trip to Houston the week of Super Bowl and attended the Taste of the NFL.
  
• Thanks to Do It For The Love, I attended a Social Distortion concert in Denver, was given the VIP treatment and got to meet the band.
  
• Because I was a first time attendee, I was granted a full travel scholarship to Washington, D.C. to attend the Lungevity Hope Summit.

I can't wait to see what comes to me between now and August 2018. With your help I may be able to add Lungevity Hope Summit 2018 to next year's list. Please help me celebrate surviving another year with stage iv lung cancer and make a donation. If I reach my fundraising goal, I can qualify for a full travel scholarship, attend the summit and spend time with my long distance lung cancer friends.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE

Balancing Act

People that don't know me can't look at me and know I have stage iv lung cancer. On the outside I look perfectly healthy. There are mornings that I look at myself in the mirror and can't believe I have stage iv lung cancer. There are moments where I feel perfectly healthy.

Next week is my quarterly scan, blood work and follow up with my oncologist. This week is my quarterly freak out with scanxiety. This is the week I fight with my brain and body to think positive and feel good.

Like clockwork, just in time for my scan, I have issues that could be cancer related or it could just be nothing. It could be cancer progression or it could just be cancer treatment side effects. Or it could just be NOTHING.

In the past I've taken pride in myself for being forever optimistic. It's something that just comes natural. I don't have to force myself to think positive. It just happens. As an adult, anxiety and over-thinking hasn't been too much of an issue. That's until I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Now, at times, I find myself not sleeping enough. In those hours I should be sound asleep, I'm wondering and worrying about lung cancer and things that I have no control over.

At least I recognize there is a problem. So in the normal people, daytime hours, I keep myself busy. This is one of the reasons I'm so very thankful I'm able to work. While I'm at work and out delivering mail, I don't think about lung cancer or upcoming oncology appointments. I put on my uniform and I'm in what I call, "mailman mode". It also wasn't hard to keep my mind occupied when I entered the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. Fundraising, posting updates and planning has kept my mind occupied since my last scan at the end of October.

Last year I followed the contest online. I cheered on my fellow Colorado lung cancer survivors while it gave me hope for my future and for the possibility of entering the contest myself one day. This year I entered and I won! I was the third highest fundraiser. I'm going to go to Houston the week of Super Bowl to attend the Taste of the NFL.

Taste of the NFL, February 4, 2017,
Houston, TX

I take the good with the bad. It's a balancing act. This week the bad is simply manifested thoughts and cancer anxieties. The good is the anticipation of three wonderful, action packed, days in Houston with fun, food and the overall NFL experience. Who knows what next week will bring. Hopefully, a sigh of relief followed by three wonderful days in Houston.

Giving and Receiving

Giving Tuesday was followed by Overwhelmed Wednesday. I expected a few additional donations to my Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge on Tuesday due to the nature of the day. But I never imagined I would receive nearly $2K in one day. That amount is amazing. I'm so grateful for everyone's generosity.

Giving Tuesday was a great big success. I created a one day Facebook fundraiser that will be matched by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation as part of their Giving Tuesday campaign. That means the $742 that was donated will become $1,484!!!! In addition to the donation made directly at my contest site, the Giving Tuesday donations totalled $1984!!!!

I have taken advantage of opportunities presented to me to represent the lung cancer community. One is the chance of going to the Super Bowl, the Pro Bowl or the Taste of NFL as a lung cancer patient advocate while raising awareness of lung cancer and the need for research funds.

At this point 50% of the donations collected will be be donated to the foundation of my choice, the International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer (IASLC). When my donation total reaches $5,000, 80% will be donated to IASLC.

Thank you to everyone that donated and shared my fundraiser links. Because of you I'm currently in the top running for the Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge.

The Facebook fundraiser was a one day event. But the Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge is not over. You can still donate until January 1, 2017.

Click the link on my blog or HERE to donate today.

Super Bowl Challenge

I kicked off my Cleveland Fans Against Lung Cancer fundraising campaign this month. This is part Team Draft's 2017 Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. This is a friendly competition between lung cancer survivors to raise funds for lung cancer foundations and cancer centers of the survivor's choice. The survivor that raises the most funds will win a trip to the Super Bowl in Houston, TX. Second place is a trip to the Pro Bowl in Orlando, FL and third place gets to attend  26th Annual Taste of NFL.

I set my fundraising goal high. I know with your help I can reach that goal. Lung cancer research funds are critical to my future and my quality of life.

My funds will be donated to the International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer in Denver, CO. I attended my first lung cancer event in September 2015. It was just two weeks after my stage iv lung cancer diagnosis. That event was the Pancake Walk Kickoff Breakfast for the World Conference on Lung Cancer in Denver. That day I was introduced to a handful of peopleand survivors in the lung cancer community. They gave me information, hope and advice that I will always remember and hold near and dear to my heart.

In Week 10 of  NFL season, the Browns have an 0-10 record. The Cleveland Browns may not be going to the Super Bowl this year. I may never get to see the Browns at a Super Bowl in my lifetime. But you could help send this Cleveland fan to the big game this year.

Together we can #tacklelungcancer.

I challenge you to make a donation today and find one (or more) person to match your donation.

Click HERE to make a donation today.

How Lucky Am I?

"How lucky am I?" I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've said that since my August 2015 lung cancer diagnosis.

From testing positive for the EGFR genetic mutation

to

living within 75 miles of one of the best lung cancer research facilities and oncologists in the world

to

the support of my friends and family and their friends and families

to

having the quality of life I have being able to live with stage iv lung cancer, how lucky am I?

In February 2016 my friend, Todd, asked me to taste test a beer he had brewed in bottles at his home. It was a very good beer. He said he wanted me to name the beer and he would brew it in my honor. After a couple days of brainstorming we came up with Lisa's Luck Amber Ale.

Who gets a beer named after them?

How Lucky Am I?

During the brainstorming sessions, we discussed the possibilities of using Lisa's Luck Amber Ale to spread lung cancer awareness. We also talked about maybe donating a portion of the proceeds to lung cancer research. But there are licensing issues and liquor laws that keep home brewers from producing and selling their beers, even if it is for charity.

It was brewing talent, not luck, that brought Lisa's Luck to life. Earlier in the year Todd submitted his Lisa's Luck Amber Ale entry in the Fifth Street Brew Pub's Homebrew Beer Contest. He won. Lisa's Luck Amber Ale was produced on a large scale.

The Lisa's Luck Amber Ale Tapping Party was on Saturday, September 17, 2016. My friends and family donated money to buy me a round trip ticket to fly from Colorado to Ohio to attend the event. I was able to meet some of the Fifth Street board members. They said how much they liked the beer, commented on Todd's brewing talent and added, they didn't know the lung cancer back story until after Lisa's Luck won the competition.

.

It was meant to be.

During the event I was able to share my story and make an announcement that I will be entering the Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge this winter. This is a friendly competition among football fans that are surviving lung cancer while raising funds for lung cancer research. First place is a trip to the Super Bowl. Second is a trip to the Pro Bowl. Third place is a trip to The Taste of NFL.

Proceeds from the Fifth Street Lisa's Luck Amber Ale event will be the first donations to my Cleveland Fans Against Lung Cancer Campaign. The beneficiary of my donations will be the International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer.

Lisa's Luck Amber Ale is now available, for a limited time, at two Dayton area locations, Fifth Street Brew Pub in Dayton, OH and Sea Jax Tavern, in Kettering, OH. We heard news of interest from another Dayton area brew pub also.

What's better than drinking great tasting beer? Drinking great tasting beer for a great cause!

How Lucky Am I?

It Takes A Village

I hope I don't forget anyone. I want to give a shout out to everyone that has had a hand in my diagnosis, treatment and quality of life over this last year.

First, my family and friends. This has been quite a year. And if I needed anything, you were there. Most of you dropped your personal life to be by my side. Thank you and I love you.

Again, I will edit this post and add to this list of I realize I forgot anyone.

Colorado Springs Family Practice
C. David Bird, MD

Pulmonary Associates
Steven Mohnssen, MD

Memorial Hospital Cancer Center
Lisa Allison, Nurse Navigator
Sayla Dennington, Social Worker
Victoria Cortez
Dr. Blum
Dr. Ridings

Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation

International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer

#LCSM Chat

American Lung Association in Colorado
Lung Force

University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus
D. Ross Camidge, MD, PhD

Lifespark
Sylvia
Cece
Judy

Livestrong at the YMCA

Team Draft
Chris Draft

In addition to this list, I want to acknowledge and thank my online support groups and lung cancer message boards. I won't list them, because I know I won't remember all the sites. Also, some of the groups are private. They are with me 24/7.

I can't imagine having lung cancer and going through this before social media. This lung cancer community has answered many questions, given plenty of advice, calmed many anxieties and raised my hopes.

Team Peace Lungs & Happiness was created just days after my diagnosis. I immediately had this sense of love that embraced me from all over the world. Team PLH is a global effort. I can't thank my family and friends enough for all your thoughts, prayers and support. Thank you for sharing my story with so many of your friends, colleagues and church congregations while calling on them to send me good thoughts and prayers. The power of positive thinking and prayer is a wonderful thing. Get ready for some exciting Team PLH announcements in the coming months.

The one person that has kept me together the most over the last year is my boyfriend, Jeremy. I say, "when we got lung cancer". I'm the one that has to go through the medical procedures, but we are in this thing together. He has been my rock, sounding board, counselor, doctor, voice of reason and shoulder to cry on. If we made it through the last 12 months, we can endure anything. He's a keeper.

There are no words for me to use that can thank the above people and organizations enough. Keep doing what you do so I can continue to live the greatest, happiest, longest, life possible.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM

OF MY HEART!

You all bring me Peace Lungs & Happiness every day!

Peace Lungs and Football

I ran into an old gym friend and postal customer this week while I was at work. It had been over a year since we last spoke.  He asked how I was doing.  I said I was fine but followed with, "You won't believe what happened to me. I still can't believe it myself." I proceeded to give him my most condensed version of my lung cancer story. I've got it down to a few sentences for situations like this.

"In August 2015 I was diagnosed stage iv lung cancer. My cancer has a specific genetic mutation. My chemo is a pill. My last scan showed no evidence of disease. I love my job, so I'm still working and things are going well."

I'm very public with my story on Facebook, Twitter and this blog.  My co-workers know about my lung cancer. Delivering mail is one of the few things I have that isn't connected to lung cancer and being sick. I've been very selective in telling only a handful of customers about my diagnosis. But the very few that do know are now my biggest cheerleaders. I know it's no coincidence that the people I chose were either a cancer survivor themselves, had a personal connection to lung cancer or had a close family member diagnosed with cancer after I shared my story.

 

I've had the privilege to publicly share my lung cancer story two times this month. The first was at the Denver Lung Force Walk. It was such an honor to share my story along with three other Lung Force Heroes. Every story you hear starts with the initial lung cancer diagnosis shock and continues with courage, bravery, inspiration and hope.

I was a member of the Lung Force Walk Committee. This was my first time volunteering on the committee. It was exciting to help plan and be behind the scenes of such a successful event.  Thank you to everyone that participated and donated. We exceeded our fundraising goal by raising over $40,000!!!

 

On June 17, 2016 I shared my lung cancer story at the Patient Advocate Breakfast at the International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer.

Patient Advocate Speakers with IASLC staff

At the breakfast I heard the perspective of lung cancer from a 10 year old boy, Coy, who's mother, Kathy Weber, is a lung cancer survivor. If that doesn't hit you in the heart, I don't know what will. Kathy and Coy also spoke of their Pro Bowl experience. Kathy was the second highest fundraiser for last year's Team Draft Lung Cancer Survivors Super Bowl Challenge. Kathy and her family won a trip to the Pro Bowl. I've been interested in this contest since the first time I heard of it.

 

Football and the Cleveland Browns have been a big part of my life. Even more so this last year. I received my lung cancer diagnosis during the NFL 2015/16 preseason. Jeremy and I attended the first preseason game together. At that point we knew I had non small cell, adenocarcinoma.



Browns preseason game, August 13, 2015

The next afternoon was the appointment when we found out it was stage iv. The Cleveland Browns and the Pikes Peak Browns Backers were there for me each week during the first couple months of testing to getting my full diagnosis and adjusting to my radiation and targeted therapy treatments. At the time I was scared to make plans and go places. I called going to games my "Football Therapy". Watching the Browns is not so therapeutic for my blood pressure.  But it felt good to get up and out of the house each Sunday. Treatment could take my energy. But it was NOT going to take away my Browns.

 

Another speaker at the breakfast was Chris Draft, founder of the Chris Draft Family Foundation and Co-founder of Team Draft. Chris' wife, Keasha Rutledge Draft, lost her life to lung cancer in 2011. He is my lung cancer advocacy and fundraising hero. I didn't hesitate to tell him either.  He's an inspiration to me to continue to raise funds and to share my story as often and as loudly as possible while spreading lung cancer awareness.